Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Welcome Michele Bardsley!

Today we're thrilled to welcome bestselling author Michele Bardsley as our guest of honour! Michele is justly famous for her hot and humorous paranormal stories, most notably the Broken Heart series...

Brush Your Fangs, and Other Vampire Mom Advice
Okay, maybe my vampires don’t really tell their children to go brush their fangs (well, Jessica from I’m the Vampire, That’s Why does, because she thinks it’s funny). But they do have to deal with the day to day parental hassles of raising their offspring with a little twist … they’re undead. Um, the moms and dads, that is. The kids are mortal, alive and breathing, and learning to live with parents who can lift a couch one-handed and vacuum underneath it.
Sticking to a night schedule is something of a pain in the neck (har, vampire humor). Not to mention the blood diet, the potential danger of large, sharp objects, and oh yeah, people generally don’t like vampires. Not even mom vampires. I think it’s the whole “you can drink my blood and mesmerize me into doing the chicken dance.” It’s too easy to post that crap on YouTube, you know.
Writing about single parents turned into bloodsucking fiends is a lot of fun. It’s an interesting take on the world of vampires, mixing the mundane with the fantastical. Can you imagine having the ability to bash through walls, or wield an awesome power like tossing fireballs, but at the end of the night, you’re still the one loading the dishwasher?
I guess the (un)life of the immortal undead isn’t always as fun as one might think, especially when you’re a parent. Of course, baring your fangs and letting your eyes go red while telling your children to clean their rooms now certainly can motivate far better than a timeout. Just sayin’.


The rain dampened my senses, but I could still hear something big moving in the woods.
Most large animals in Broken Heart were shifters. A security lycan wouldn’t try to hide its
presence from me. Another series of cat yowls interrupted my ruminations.

I didn’t know what was going on, all that my instincts were screaming at me to get going.
I hurried to the path, but my foot caught on debris, and I tripped.

Oh, perfect. I landed on my side, splashing into an icy puddle. I spit out the nasty water
as the skull rolled out of my grasp. I really was the heroine in a horror movie, waiting for the
axe-wielding maniac to cut me down. What kind of moron left the safety of her home to follow a ghostly voice to a grave? At night? In a bloody storm?

So long as I was making idiotic choices, I decided I wouldn’t leave the woods without the
skull. I needed something to show for my efforts, and by God, the woman deserved whatever
closure I could give her. I saw my ghoulish prize at the edge of the path, lodged into a scraggly
bush. I crawled to it and yanked it out. Then I rose unsteadily to my feet, triumphant.

I stilled.

A cat, and my goodness was that an understatement, crouched on the path four or five feet away from me. He, and I could help but think of it as “he,” was massive. He had sleek black fur and green-gold eyes. He growled; a warning to me to stay put, or so I assumed. It wasn’t as if I could move. Be calm, Elizabeth. A shifter, I hoped. Otherwise, I would have to believe a jaguar had been living in Broken Heart without anyone noticing. His muscles rippled under that glorious coat as he moved into a pouncing stance.

His unstaring gaze looked beyond me, his nostrils flaring.

Fear pulsed through me, but I couldn’t get my legs to move. Even if I could, I knew I could run faster than him, but not in the woods. There were too many obstacles. I took an
unsteady step back, and he yowled.

I stopped.

The rain pounded me. My nightgown was plastered against me, offering no shield, no warmth. My toes sunk into the slick, cold mud. My hair lashed my face and neck.

Seconds ticked by.

The dawn was coming—I could feel it in my waning strength and rising panic. I had to either risk the jag’s attack or risk roasting in the sunlight.

The cat roared: a terrible, fierce sound that sliced right through me.

Something hard smacked me on the back of the head.

Pain spiked all the way down my spine, and I went down to my knees, my gaze on the beautiful, angry jag.

He tore down the path toward me.

My vision grayed as I fell forward.

The cat launched over me, and I marveled at his grace, at the power he so wonderfully
exhibited. He knocked something, no, someone, over, and I heard sounds of struggle.

Then I passed out.


“Lady? Aw, hell. C’mon, sweetheart. Wake up.”

As I assimilated the unfamiliar male voice, I felt the sting of a light slap on my cheek. My eyes flew open.

“Stop that immediately!” I demanded.

His hazel eyes widened, and then he grinned. “No problem, princess. You wanna get up now?”

“Certainly.” I took his proffered hand and struggled to my feet. I felt dizzy and lightheaded.
It had stopped raining, although the sky rumbled ominously. “Where’s my skull?”

“Attached to your neck.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I snapped. “I mean the one I dropped.”

One brown eyebrow winged upward. I realized several important things right then. One, I
didn’t know this man. Two, he was quite handsome, with skin the color of caramel, and three, he was unaccountably naked and very, very well built.

And endowed by the gods.

Did I just look at his … his … package? Embarrassment shot through me, and I averted my gaze. Ah. I spotted the skull grinning up at me from a shallow puddle. I scooped it up, and turned to the gorgeous nude man. For a moment, I couldn’t get my throat to work. Finally, I managed a crisp: “Thank you for your assistance.”

I marched away.

He followed.

“You’re welcome,” he said lazily. “Anything else I can … assist you with?”

His sensually charged question nearly made me trip again. What the—really? Sexual
innuendoes now? And why did I feel like my cheeks had been dipped in lava? Vampires didn’t

I stopped, and turned to glare at him. “Are you a nudist?” I asked in a frosty tone.

“With the right person.”

His gaze let me know that I could be the right person. Was he insane? I was muddy, my hair was a mess, and my clothing … oh! I looked down and it was exactly as I feared. My satin
nightgown was plastered to my body, outlining every curve and showcasing my turgid nipples.

Oh, sweet heaven. If I waited long enough, maybe lightning would strike me.

I felt suddenly woozy, and for a moment, I wondered if the man had rendered me nigh
unconscious with his virility. Then I realized that was not the case at all. Sunrise.

Michele is generously offering a $25 Amazon certificate to one lucky winner who answers the question: If you were undead, what advice (or command!) would you give your children? Or who comments in some other way on her post. The contest will close at midnight tonight and the winner will be announced tomorrow on this thread.


  1. Having an Immortal for your mother gives a whole new meaning to "Yo Mama"!

    When your mother is a Vampire, keep in mind the saying "When Mama ain't happy...ain't nobody happy!" ; )

    Your Vampire Mama may not always be right, but she will always be your Mama...with a bite!

    House Rules of an Undead Mother:

    As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say.

    I brought you into this world, and I can take you right back out!

    I don't have to explain myself. I said no.

    It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I don't trust everyone else.

    When I was young we had respect for our elders, now look at the world!

    Always wear clean underwear in case you get in an accident. (universal)

    Even though I'll always be around, I'm not always going to be around to do these things for you. I'm your mother...not your maid!

    US Resident, GFC Follower, Subscriber

    gcwhiskas at aol dot com

  2. Hi Michele,

    I love the way you write with constant humour :). Do you set out to write funny stories? Or do you set out to write paranormal stories and the humour just comes with you?


  3. I guess that the advice that I would give my undead children would be similiar to advice I'd give living children:

    1. Choose your undead friends wisely - make sure to include a few other supernatural beings not just vampires

    2. Choose who you drink carefully - you don't want a bad aftertaste...lol

    3. Make sure you are in bed by Sunrise

    4. You'll always be my undead baby.....

    5. Always get rid of the evidence....lol

    6. Choose your lifemate carefully!

    US Resident/ GFC Follower

  4. Well of course there would have to be a curfew. You can't have your undead youngins staying up too close to dawn. Being a vampire I would have to insist on proper dental hygiene as well. Flossing between the fangs would be a must. LOL

    user1123 AT comcast DOT net

  5. Hi Marie! Thanks for hosting me today on your blog. I love a good party. :-)

    For the Broken Heart series, I think it's a little of both. I wrote the original story as a humorous one (Jessica just came out snarky), and that trend continued. So when it's time to write a Broken Heart novel, I know to bring on the funny.

  6. My advice is-don't bother me during the daytime!

  7. :) Love the undead advice coming in here!

    Thanks, Michele - it does seem to flow out very naturally :)


  8. If I were an undead mom, my advice would be:
    1. Know your enemies. You never know who will stab you in the heart.
    2. When eating at a restaurant, avoid all dishes that contain garlic.
    3. Feed regularly to keep a healthy glow. You don't want to draw attention to your undead state.
    4. Schedule all activities to end way before sunrise to avoid the possiblity of incineration.

  9. Hi Michelle,

    I love your books, I have read the whole Broken Heart series.

    My advice to my children would be to please behave while mommy is sleeping the day away.

    To listen to what others were telling them.

    Thanks to Marie for having this blog:)

  10. All awesome advice, ladies. I would also say, "Don't be a pain in mommy's neck," or "Your bad choices are a like a stake in my heart!"

  11. Hi Michelle I would say don't talk to strangers & don't open the door unless you know the person

  12. My advice would be "don't come knockin' if the coffin is a rockin'" LOL! She is single after all!

  13. I figure we are talking about mortal children of vampires. I would tell them never tell the kids at school about mommy's little problem. That way if/when the child does tell the "secret" other mortal people will just assume that the mommy has a drinking problem, alcohol that is not blood. You can also through in that line about never talking to strangers, you never know what they are. Love the funny twist and everday life of the characters.

  14. Thanks for dropping by, everyone. :-) (Michelle, OMG, loved what you said about the coffin rockin'.)

  15. Oh, Angie, good point about the children keeping mommy's secret!

  16. Don't bring home a boy Mommy doesn't like, or she may have to eat him! Said with a sugary smile, of course... :-D

  17. ROFL, Nia! Brings a whole new meaning to "Don't piss off my mom."

  18. It does give the 2AM feedings a whole new meaning when your parent is a vampire.

  19. If I were undead I would advise (command) my children to never reveal their vampire nature, keep their pig sty of a room clean, and don't bring home suspicious looking people who may want to kill vampires.

  20. The comments are so funny! Just think you could really send some of the friends you dont like far away.

  21. I would have to go with the every loved "Do as I say not as I do". You know cause if I'm undead the same rules won't apply to my kids that apply to me : )

  22. Clean ur room u get no dinner
    Play with ur food it u will hurt their feelings

  23. Sorry, I don't have any funny or witty advice for my undead children...but I would totally use some of the suggested pieces of advice that are commented above. Love the one about "..if the coffin is a rockin" Good one!

    Love your books Michele! Can't wait to read Must Love Lycons!


  24. Thanks, everyone! So glad you dropped by!

  25. If I were undead, and HAVE to sleep during the day I guess my advice for my children would be simple. "Mommy's sleeping, so sit down and shut-it because if you wake me up I will drain you dry and leave you parched and depleted. You will be brittle, frail and as crispy as a burnt piece of liver!!! Do you ubnderstand??? Love you!!"

    I love the Broken Heart series...can't wait for Must Love Lycons.

  26. Love the comments so far. My advice would be:

    There will be no bringing of friends home for show and tell. Mommy's "condition" is a secret don't ya know?!

    caity_mack at yahoo dot com

  27. Hi Mechele!

    I have had the pleasure of reading some of your books and I've LOVED them!!!

    I really enjoyed your post and had to laugh out loud at some of the comments here...hehe!!!

    in Germany

  28. Hi Michelle :)
    I LOVE your Broken Heart series, the characters are so uhm, human .
    Da Mama Vampire says:
    1. Don't forget your 1,000 spf sunscreen in case you don't make it home before sunrise.

    2. Don't slurp your food, it's so nasty.

    3. Don't make the police bring you home.

    4. Don't drink that blood, you don't know where it's been!

    5. Always make sure that you watch your doner so no one slips you a mickey.

    6. I hope you aren't going to dress/eat like that at the President's banquet.

    7. Remember, always is a loooong time.

    8. Listen to your heart (oops, it isn't beating any more).

    9. There's nothing a good Bloody Mary can't fix.

    10. Remember, I can hear what you're thinking but I still love you.


  29. You're all cracking me up :). Especially with the 2am feeds and playing with your food :)


  30. Hmmm...if I was a:

    Zombie mom: "Hurry up and eat your brains before they get cold."

    Vampire mom: Kids are having a play date. "Quit playing with your food and feed."

    Vampire mom: "We'll be home by dawn. Don't eat the babysitter."

    Vampire mom: "Clean your coffin."

  31. Too Funny!!

    here are my rules:

    1. don't go out before dark

    2. don't take candy from strangers..it will make you sick

    3. don't run with sharp objects..you may stake yourself

    4. Don't leave you food on the table...send it home in a cab

    5. In Case of emergency, call you local police to avoid your local vampire slayer

    and my two favs:

    Men, can't live with them so just eat them and
    Men, Can't live with them, at least you are strong enough to bury the body by yourself.

  32. Vampire Mom: "Don't try that look on me! It won't work." (You can't mesmerise Mom!)

  33. Do as I say and not as I do. LOL, the same thing I tell my kids now :) I'm sure if I was a vampire I would be prone to more bad behavior than I am now :) My inner bad girl would come flying out


  34. So great, you guys! Love all the comments! Thanks for stopping by and playing!

  35. Nice to wake up to some more chortles :). Thanks to everyone who posted! And many thanks to Michele for being such a wonderful guest of honour!

    I'll be back in a few moments with Michele's winner...


  36. Michele's winner is... JOLENE ALLCOCK AND FAMILY!!

    Congratulations, Jolene! And I have your email address already. Enjoy your spending spree on Amazon :)


  37. Yay, congrats Jolene!!

    in Germany

  38. Yay, thanks so much :) I'll look for an e-mail :)